All I want for Christmas

Dear Baby-Jesus Santa-in-the-Sky with Diamonds,

I am having a cranky Monday.  Finding any or all of these things under my tree would make me feel a little better.  Pretty please?

1) A personal horn.

Hey, right-turning driver!  TA-DAAAA!  HERE I AM!  I am a runner who would like to cross the street!  Hey!  Heeeeeeey.  Okay, I’m going to cross now since you’re not mov – HOLY CRAP!  STOP!  Multiple expletives!

See why having a personal horn would just be easier?  For both of us?

2) A ban on Christmas music in commercials.

Apparently, “special holiday events!” on everything from underwear to boat insurance necessitate bad renditions of holiday songs.  No.  Just stop.  Stop.  STOP. There is enough crappy Christmas music on the radio.  I don’t need to hear it on TV, too.

And when did the SUV Tied With a Giant Bow become the universal symbol of Christmas?  Has anyone ever known anyone who actually tied a giant bow to a vehicle?

26 more days of this.  26.  26.

3) A jobby job.

Repeat after me: I love that I’m pursuing my dream and it will pay off in the long run.  I love that I’m pursuing my dream and it will pay off in the long run.  I love – oh holy hell, you know what I would love right now?  A freaking paycheck.  And some interaction with actual human beings once in a while.

The grass.  It is always greener.

4) 356,321 rakes.

That’s one for every resident of Raleigh.  I will personally distribute them, so that everyone has their very own personal rake.  Maybe such an abundance of rakes will inspire people to use them on their sidewalks.  Because those pretty crunchy leavesThey are no fun when they’re piled a foot high on a crooked sidewalk.

Please clear off your sidewalks, people.  At least a little bit.  I know, it is a pain.  When I lived in Ohio I would spend hours scraping leaves and snow off of our front walk so that pedestrians could pass safely.  But it’s worth it.  Because then you won’t ever have to deal with me.  Pounding on your door to use your phone to call a taxi because I’ve sprained my ankle on your leaf-covered sidewalk.

5) My very own elf.

Exactly.  All of the above, please.

I have not always been the nicest girl, Baby-Jesus Santa in the Sky, but I don’t think I’m on the naughty list.  So please, make a girl’s dreams come true.

Yours in the holiday spirits,

(And by that, I mean vodka,)

Shelby

Today’s EAT: Tonight’s dinner is on the hush – thanks to Rachel’s latest Project Tasteless challenge, I have to roll dinner in to breakfast.  But it was excellent, and will be blogged tomorrow!

Instead I’ll leave you with my delicious pre-dinner snack:

Sliced Gruyere with fig jam.  I am completely addicted to this lately.

Today’s DRINK: Oh hey, look –  a semi-decent red wine!

On the heels of Thanksgiving-aganza, the wine rack is definitely stocked with a slightly better selection than normal.  I picked up this P.K.N.T 2009 Carmenere from a local wine shop on the staffer’s recommendation, and I wasn’t disappointed when I opened it tonight!  It’s a solid, medium-bodied red that packs a nice little bit of spice – not sharpness, but actual spiciness.  I approve.

Today’s RUN: While dodging clueless turning motorists and narrowly avoiding leafy ankle traps, I managed to have an okay run today.  4.25 miles at ~8:30 pace.  With lots of calf massaging afterward.

Today’s QUESTION: What’s on your holiday wish list?  Have you been naughty or nice this year?

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27 responses to “All I want for Christmas

  1. Wow your drawings are really really good Shelby! My holiday wish list is that you’ll tell me that you’ve booked your flight and that your are coming for the joe kleinerman 10k (and staying with me) 🙂

  2. I do. My uncle:

    An elf would be nice…

  3. Shelby, I think it is time you made your own web comic. Tom and I got at least a good 5 minute laugh out of the check. Your skillz with MS Paint are rapidly improving.

    Currently I am composing the Dana 12 days of Christmas song. I am currently on Tom giving me “a five pound Honeybaked Ham”.

  4. Oh man oh MAN, am I with you on #2. Christmas music in radio and TV commercials is THE REASON I am such a holidays-resenting Grinch. The fake jingle bell track in the background, the saccharine caroling, the computerized snowflakes falling down the TV screen… vomit. Too. Much. Hype.

    Your Project Tasteless posts have been amazingly entertaining; I can’t wait to see what you’ve got up your sleeve this time.

  5. I’ve been nice! I want an elliptical (doubtful), dutch over, pastry brush, donut pan, silicon spatulas, Chelsea Handler books, and a partridge in a pear tree. 🙂 Awesome pace on that run! And I’ll take a personal elf, too! Oh, and it ALWAYS pays off to pursue your dream career…promise!

  6. I totally get a kick out of your Paint renditions…I ❤ Paint. It makes everything better.

    Something else that makes everything else better is Amazon's universal wish list app. I lurrrrrvve it! It takes the wish list to a whole NEW level by letting you add items to your list from sites other than Amazon.com. I fractured my sacrum 3 weeks ago, and spending oh probably 3 hours creating my wish list last week was the most fun I've had in nearly a month…not to mention highly therapeutic. But, there's something about being able to click on the lower case a with yellow button that brings pure delight.

  7. Shelby, you are officially my favorite Tuesday person. Because we have the same (not-so-magic) sticks up our butts. And we’re funemployed! Must third SweatyKid’s exhortation of hating Christmas music. Do you know when I think it is appropriate to play? December 24. And December 25. THEN STOP. Uffda.

    I don’t think I’ve been naughty, per se, but I am living off government loans, so I kind of consider that my Christmas present. I *might* be getting a membership to the Armory, though! So my present is…the chance to run ’til I puke on a banked track.

  8. I’ve often wished for some sort of horn/blinking sign I can wear while running… “HEY if you swerve at me again and actually hit me, who’ll be laughing then?” “Yes, it is legal for me to be running on the road.” “Thanks for going through that puddle at full speed… I might get hypothermia now, but that’s cool.”

    I would really like a bed for Christmas- moved 3 weeks ago and I’m still on an air mattress. Mattresses are expensive, dang!

    And last but not least, my high school boyfriend’s dad actually bought his mom a car and put a bow on it just like on the commercials.

    • Oh yeah, the puddle people are awful too. Especially when they get you like five minutes into your run. Thanks, dude, for ruining the next several miles…

  9. Man, I love throwing parties if for no other reason than the surplus of booze in the house after it’s over.

    And I think “special holiday events,” have a large roll in increasing the suicide rate during this season.

  10. hehehe, this is an amazing post. i would also like a personal elf to bring me ice cream with nutella. huzzah!

    also, central park paths are always clear of leaves. just sayin’….you could come hang here for awhile….

  11. OMG…I love cheese with fig jam. Heaven.

    I don’t celebrate Christmas, so all of the holiday music in stores and on commercials drives me nuts. NUTS!!

  12. I love the MS Paint! Especially the check, hilarious!

    At the top of my holiday wish list is a 300 lb. Olympic Weights Set. I am pretending that if I had one I would actually lift weights. I know that is a lie, but I also know that I’m not getting one, so at least I can continue to shirk weight training.

    Next on my list is more Moving Comfort Alexis Sport Bras…the WonderBra of athletic wear. How did I not learn about these sooner? They make me look like a female runner, not just like some dude in a pink wicking T with a ponytail. I think I might get these for Christmas, in fact I almost ordered them yesterday…

  13. Well leaves are a pain, but they could *a least* push them into the street and off the sidewalk! I do that anyway…

  14. Luckily for me, I don’t have any sidewalks to push leaves off of. (But all the leaves in our yard that didn’t get raked are covered in snow anyhow.) Be careful on those.

    For Christmas, I think I’d like my very own check from the “Bank of Awesome” – can that be arranged? 😀 In reality, I need some new outdoor winter gear (coveralls, hats, gloves for the farm and a fleece headband and maybe another base layer for running ). My H actually asked me the other night if I wanted a real winter running jacket, maybe to hide the many mismatched layers I currently wear, so maybe I’ll get one of those too!

  15. i. love. your. drawings. in fact i’ve thought about stealing them for my blog. they always crack me up!

    and i think i want some holiday spirits this year. for real. it really does make the holidays seem really happy 😉

    my wish list? well i’m sure i can come up with lots but i’m really just glad that i’m getting my flights and registration paid for. by someone other than my bank account. so i’ll be nice and not ask for anything else. maybe by being nice i’ll get lots of running goodies under my tree? hahah

  16. Wow my Christmas Wish List is really lacking. I need an elf!!

  17. aghh! I’m not a fan of some of the holiday commercials that are playing nonstop. I like Christmas music and snow until January 1 though. 🙂

    All I’m wishing for right now is to eek out decent grades in both of my classes…and perhaps a massage when all is said and done!

  18. Love your list. I think mine would be very similar but I LOVE holiday songs but not the classic ones done by Lennon or McCartney that have been covered by Ashley Tisdale and the like. Those can all go away.

    This post is the best and the drawing made it complete!
    Happy Holidays!

  19. fig spread+spreadable blue cheese+marinated artichokes+cracker=AMAZING

    I have been a BIG fan of yelling at oblivious drivers recently. I like the ones that roll through the cross walk while texting. It makes my husband very nervous but I do it anyway…I like being in 1 piece.

    Since I am rather new here…what is your dream job???

    • I’m trying to be a writer. So…I write. I’ll have to do a more explanatory post on this soon, because I know I’ve been pretty vague about it!

      I also yell at drivers – extra loud if they’re on their phones while they almost hit me!

  20. I just want to kick cars when they nearly hit me. Can I get a running ninja companion?

    And while the pursuit of dreams is never fun…the getting of them is satisfyingly awesome!

  21. I eat Gruyere or Gouda with Fig Jam pretty much every night when I’m cooking. Best thing EVER.

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