Merry bloody Christmas.
I am glad you like it. Now, can we please discuss the terms of our truce?
I respectfully request that you immediately cease your relentless assault on me. From the moment I entered this apartment, I have been under siege. Your appetite for working your needle-like claws in and out of my plushy flesh is apparently insatiable. Even after you’ve been startled away with loud noises or jets of water, you come back for more. And frankly, it’s begun to affect my appearance. My arms have so many holes that I’m starting to look like a heroin addict.
You are slowly destroying me, Feline. And it hurts.
But now you have your very own piece of upholstery to scratch on, shed fur on, poke holes in, and whatever else it is that you do. Destroy it if it pleases you. Just keep your talons away from me.
Get it? Got it?
Yours in peace,