Hot cheek-on-cheek action

We’ve all been there.  Picture it with me.

You walk in the door after your long run.  7 miles, 17 miles, 37.7 miles, whatever.  You did it and it feels awesome.   You’re shaky, caked in salt, and possibly a bit delirious, but you know that the only thing standing between you and a big stack of pancakes and a bottomless mimosa is a hot shower.

You strip off your soggy clothes and do a quick check: thighs, chest, feet.  No visible wounds.  Excellent.

You haul your stiff legs up in to the tub and, as the hot water coats your feet, breathe a sigh of satisfaction.  You slowly tip your cranium under the shower head and let the soothing stream of warm water run along your scalp, down the nape of your neck, between your shoulder blades, across the small of your back, down your butt cr – AAAAAAAAAAACKKKK!

And then you suddenly and painfully discover that your ass crack is chafed to high holy hell.  Ouch.

And really, why wouldn’t it be?  You’ve got two big slabs of flesh right up against one another, moving in opposition with every footfall.  Which, over the course of a two hour run, is like three zillion footfalls.  Add a little sweat and you’ve definitely got recipe for raw skin.

I feel like many runners are embarrassed about this.  People, butt chafing is nothing to be ashamed of.  It doesn’t mean that your ass is too big or that there’s something wrong with it. It just happens sometimes.  No big deal.

Anyway.  Thankfully, because this is America and there is a market for absolutely anything, there are companies out there making products specifically tailored to the needs of our bulbous bottoms during long runs.

2Toms recently offered to send me some of their Butt Shield to try out.  (I’m actually curious about how this came about in their PR department: “Hey, this chick seems like she’d be down with talking about her ass.  Let’s target her.”)

But as someone with an often-chafed butt crack (and a slight reluctance to put my only stick of Body Glide where the sun don’t shine), I happily accepted.

The Butt Shield comes in a roll-on canister that very much reminded me of the colorful fruity Avon soaps I used to play with in the bathtub when I was a kid:

Obviously, though, it was colorless.  (And not cherry scented, and not sudsy.  Whew.)

I’ve used it on my last few long runs and I have to say, it’s done its job!  No shower surprises.  Nice work there, 2Toms.

My overall impression of the stuff:

PROS: No weird waxy smell, goes on easily, doesn’t pull at hairs and/or skin like a solid wax lubricant.  Does its job (prevents chafing, DUH.)  Doesn’t have to be used just on your bum – you can put it anywhere you get friction.

CONS: Kind of greasy, which feels a little weird at first, although after a couple of minutes I didn’t notice it.  The outside of the container gets a little slippery and messy too.

Also, be prepared for conversations like this:

Aaaaand that’s as far as I’m going to take that one.

So you want to try it? [*cough*that’s-what-he-said*cough]

2Toms also gave me some Butt Shield to share with y’all! Sharing is caring!  (Well, not literally.  One lucky winner will receive a brand new bottle of Butt Shield.  Unless you really want to share mine.)

To enter this giveaway, just do any or all of the following, and leave a comment for each entry:

  • Like 2Toms on Facebook: (While you’re there, check out the contest they’re doing on their FB page.  You can win a whole bunch of free stuff, not just for your ass.)
  • Tell me a funny story about chafing, or your ass, or both.  Or really, just any funny story about anything at all.  It doesn’t even have to be true.
  • Hit TEH TWITTERZ: “I want to lube up my butt like @shelbyvanpelt! ZOMG @2Toms Butt Shield giveaway!”  (Or, like, whatever else you want to tweet.  Just make sure you @ me.)
  • Facebook or blog or hire an airplane to write in the sky about this giveaway.

To sweeten the pot, I’ll also throw in a tech tee and whatever other little goodies that I happen to find hanging around the running store where I work.  ZOMG, it’ll be a surprise!

Winner will be randomly chosen on Friday, April 8, at 6:22 PM.  So get on it, because that’s only a couple of days away!  Chop chop!

See ya tomorrow with some delicious baked goods and tales of a tempo run done too damn fast.  Nighty-night!

[FTC disclosure thingy: 2Toms gave me a complimentary bottle of this product as well as one to give away, but the opinions here are all my own.  Also, that other crap I said I’d include (shirt, random goodies) is all coming out of my pocket, and I’m not exactly rolling in cash these days, so please make it worth my while and enter the damn giveaway.  KTHXBAI.]

106 responses to “Hot cheek-on-cheek action

  1. Ass story: When I was little I was walking along the edge of my bath when I slipped and fell on the tap. I had a huuuuuge bruise on my booty and my parents still haven’t let me live it down!

  2. Ass chafing while running hasn’t happened to me yet, so thanks for the warning. (Legit thanks. I was kind of getting bored by all the horrors that had happened to me before now while I was running.)

    My ass tolerates running okay but apparently it doesn’t want me to attend abs class any more. I went to ONE class in some fit of mania last summer, and in the middle of switching sides for side planks I literally lost my balance and rolled over onto my ass, in a gesture that looked like “WELL! I just give up then!” Pretty sure I’ve been featuring in some NYU student’s nightmares ever since.

  3. WEEE! I love butt things. Most of the year, I tend to chafe on my under-arms rather than my ass, thank the lord, but as I get into longer runs in these warmer months, I definitely see it becoming a trouble area.

  4. One of the best blog posts ever. You were just lamenting the other day how your inbox isn’t filled with sponsorship offers. Pfft.

    I’m a chronic sportsbra burn suffer myself. The girls are so small I can never understand it.

  5. What a hilarious post. Thank you for bringing attention to something so many people suffer from but so rarely talk about – though most of my chaffing is from my sports bras and man does it HURT.

  6. That’s awesomely hysterical! I’ve been using bodyglide for years. My problem areas are under boobs, touching thighs, waistband if I’m using a fuelbelt, under arms by bra armhole opening, and lately OHMYGOD…along my pantyline/crotch area. I’ve had that last one happen twice when I’ve had long runs in rain/mist and OUCH!!!! This has never happened before…what the hellz is going on? I’m too young for stuff to be sagging down here! It doesn’t hurt till you hit the showers and then try to put on regular underwear. I’m wondering if butt shield would work just a little further forward???

    • Oh, I’ve had chafing “up there” before too. It’s grossnasty. I don’t see why you couldn’t lube that area up with this stuff!

  7. I just like them on facebook, but really?? they are offering a prize of a 1 year supply??? how much freaking stuff can you use in year? are you running every day and covering yourself head-to-toe in it???

  8. I hate when my butt rubs together – that was the worst thing about the Chicago Marathon. I think I didn’t have skin on my butt after 26.2 in soggy, sweaty weather!

  9. I twitter-erd!
    Awesome post. I agree with Amy…most of my issues are around the sports bra region. Which is sad because if that is going to be my problem, I should have at least a C cup as a consolation. Sadly, not the case.

  10. Are you kidding me? I am going take up croquet or something. I thought I had just come to terms with the lurking possibility of bloody nipples and now I’m told running wants to chap my ass too?

    This is a bridge too far. I’m now sitting stock still in my chair, afraid that any movement may cause sudden cheek-burn.

    If I don’t win this giveaway, I’m going to convert my downstairs bathroom to a lubrication shop and just coat myself in a proprietary blend of crisco, body-glide and gu before I go running.

  11. Liked 2T on facebook!

  12. I love this giveaway!
    I have a dedicated stick of Body Glide for my buttcrack and one for everywhere else so as not to contaminate–they are two different sizes so I know which is which. I ran a race with my sister and she was like, “OH HEY, I borrowed your Body Glide–hope that’s okay, I forgot mine!” 😐
    I’m not certain which stick she used, but I will forever pretend it was the non-buttcrack one.

    • HAHAHA! I hope she was just putting it on her feet or legs or whatever and not, like, “Yeah, you can use it at chapstick too, right?”

    • You should write ASS on your buttcrack glide in big, bold letters. No mix up and just for shits and giggles when someone sees it

  13. I twittered. Tweeted. Twote. Twhatever.

  14. Definitely a sports bra chafe-er here. Although I still have a scar on the inside of one of my thighs from the rainy day my Nike Tempo track shorts attacked. Not fun.

  15. Hmmm, a good ass story? Right now the best story I have isn’t far enough in the past for me to find it funny or share-worthy, so let’s just say that I was VERY VERY thankful that there was a Target with a public restroom open at mile 15 of one of my long runs. Wow.

  16. I play rugby (well, until May 15, when I will retire officially, sob). Specifically, I play second row. Rough cotton shorts + cheeks + scrum (rinse, repeat) = many, many days I have gone to class/work/weddings with CHAFFED CHEEKS (of the facial variety). It peels by the way. I have chafed many a body part (before discovering the glory of spandex for long runs) and never peels. but the cheeks, they peel. awesome.

  17. Thank you for the early morning laugh!!

    You could not have described it any more perfectly, because that is exactly how I discovered my first butt chaffing! And boy, did it burn. I was almost in tears.

  18. My first experience with chafing occurred when I ran 9 miles a couple of weeks ago and my upper thighs decided to have an unfortunate meeting of the minds. Attempting to run bow-legged for the last mile was not fun, nor was my shower afterwards…eeek.

    To prevent future chafing in questionable areas, I would love to have Tom in my ass! Going for the gang-bang on Tom’s stick: facebooked, twittered, commented. Probably going to need some lube for that.

    I don’t have any ass-chaffing stories to share, although I did see on the packing that it’s good for saddle sores too. WELL, many years ago I went on a trip with my BF at the time and we went horseback riding. Since he wasn’t seated correctly in the saddle, he chaffed both of his cheeks SO BAD that he had blood stains on his jeans because the skin wore away. The remainder of our vacation was spent with him laying bare ass on the bed, on his stomach, whimpering in pain and swearing he’d never go riding again. Let’s not even talk about the curse words that came out of his mouth the first time he jumped in the shower after that ordeal.

  20. Haha my roommates hear me complain about butt chaffing more than they’d care too. I use my body glide stick, but I suppose it would be better to have a specific stick for the butt area.

  21. I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve recently started suffering from booty chaffing and holy heck, it is SO painful. IT BURNS. I need some of this crack roll-on. This post just made my month!!

  22. I’ll admit that other “things” chafe more than my back side when I ride bikes. Once after a 120 mile bike ride, things were so chafed, I couldn’t sit for 3 days!

  23. Guess I’ll tell you a funny story:
    So, I had heard about this “butt chafing thing” happening to people, but I honestly didn’t believe it would happen to me. I was just in denial; apparently I just hadn’t run far enough for this to happen to me yet. Anyhow, I came back from a 16 mile run a few weeks ago, and just as you describe, the shower water was unexpectedly painful as it hit my chafed bum. Ug.

    So I did what any good wife would do and complained to my H about this unfortunate side effect of running. I think I may be banned from discussing this ever again. 😀 Please send me some butt shield!

    • Also – love the purple polka-dot shower curtain and claw feet on the tub. I imagine you really have an awesome shower like that.

  24. And I now like 2Toms on facebook. I really want to win this stuff (and the awesome surprise prize-pack you speak of too).

  25. Oh yes, I didn’t realize that this existed until I decided to start running two-a-days a few years ago. I would run with my dog in the mornings & then head to the Y after work for nice treadmill workout. Of course it was incessantly hot in the ‘cardio room’ – One pleasant afternoon I came home to take a cool shower & felt the burn! From then on, I was keenly aware of each stride while on the treadmill, feeling a little more burn each time. UNTIL I realized bodyglide could ease the pain 🙂 Now, if it’s hot out & i’m going for a long run – you’d better bet i’m ‘lubing’ up!

  26. ouchie. i usually get this surprise in the under-boob region.

  27. I liked 2Toms on facebook. I don’t really have any funny stories about chaffing. I do get some major sores from running. I have a dedicated glide stick just for my butt.

  28. Ahhhh, good ole’ asscrack chafing. Thanks for bringing this serious problem to a more public forum. The experience you describe has happened to me one too many times. I have a dedicated tube of body glide for that area but would love to give 2Toms a try! Its so nice to know I’m not alone!

  29. Yeah, I wish I would have a read an amazing post like this a few weeks ago when I started my longer runs. I thought I had hemorrhoids or something…you know, that calmed down after a day or so. WTF? Why would I think that?? It’s obviously chaffing!!

    Thanks for the laugh on this hump day. 🙂

  30. I liked them on FB as well. A year supply?? Wow.

  31. Hahahaha. This has got to be the funniest giveaway I’ve ever seen. Seriously.

    Last night I went on a short run so I wasn’t expecting any chafing. I sat down and I swear there was a razor in the top of my crack. Turns out it was a pebble that had lodged itself there and irritated the skin. Urgh.

  32. I very excitedly tweeted about butt lube.

  33. This is seriously the best blog I’ve read in a long time. You truly slayed me.

    I “liked” 2Toms on Facebook, and I’m totally reading your blog from now on.

  34. I “liked” them on facebook. How much butt shield can I go through in one year? Hopefully I’ll get to find out.

  35. My chafing story is not the butt arena…

    Last summer I was training really hard for Hood to Coast and I was typically running during my lunch break. I wear a heart rate monitor with a strap that goes around my chest (under the boobs). It was mega hot, I was super sweaty and I hopped in the shower to discover that I had chafed under my boobs. HOLY EFFING HELL was it painful!!!!!!! 😦

  36. The idea of bootycrack chafing is too horrid and painful to contemplate. I really, truly feel for you–and I don’t understand how my big-ass asset does not, on the basis of its sheer size, stay unafflicted by this. But since I’m not, I’ll stay out of the giveaway and let those who suffer have at it (though I DO want a Shelby-picked t-shirt).

    However, I will contribute an ass story. I once fell down the slippery wood stairs at my mom’s house so hard that I bruised the whole thing, straight across, with visible swelling and bumps and everything. I spent the next month mooning the rest of the household and watching them run in horror at the sight of my blue-black, then greeny, then yellow, ass.

  37. This is EXACTLY what happens to me after long runs. Hilarious! You got it right down to the shower water hitting the buttcrack! 🙂

    I LIKE 2Toms on FB!

  38. Added link to my blog:

    and to the new Running Giveaway listing site:

  39. I’ve “liked” 2Tom on FB.

  40. I don’t have any good ass stories…but I do have an odd story about the girly bits – does that count?
    I was in grade school and my cousins had a HUGE sling-shot…it took three people to use the thing! They were shooting water ballongs at each other and I got in the way. I got hit right in the crotch by a bulging water balloon that was shot with the strength of three muscled high schoolers. Yeah, I thought I’d died! I can only imagine exactly what the note that got me out of gym class for a week said…I could hardly walk and I was seriously bruised!

  41. I tweeted my heart out.

    I should also add that I read this post at my desk at work while eating my lunch…I literally chocked on a potato! Freaking hilarious!

  42. I facebooked this…which may be the perfect way to get rid of some of those annoying HS stalker friends! 😉

    • (not an entry, just appreciating Heidi’s genius).

      Oh my god you are a genius! Talking about lubing my ass could streamline my entire FB profile.

      Of course, I’m a bit worried about the marketing robots that might follow me after I tweeted…

  43. Hahahaha. I have to say that this has never happened to me on my butt. Though, I get the worst chafe from the bottom of my sports bra and waist band of my shorts/tights (which really is probably from my fuel belt). Sometimes I get it on my chest too from a v-neck, which has made for some not very attractive body art display when I have to wear a strappy dress someplace. How it looks aside, it really just hurts.

  44. I posted to my blog too.

  45. Ive never had butt chaffing but I feel like this could do wonders for my inner thigh chaffing! No funny stories so I guess Ill yeeet at ya too!

  46. I twit master tweetes

  47. no funny butt chafing stories. i’d probably use it on my boobage. lots of chafing there :/ i’m not into the whole TMI public posts yet though, lol.

  48. I used to get mad chaffing on my thighs when it was particularly humid out. And then I lost a little of my thighs’ girth and I as all, “yayzies! no more chub rub here!!” Except that it cropped back up on my long run this weekend. Purely random I’m sure… nothing to do with the thigh girth. p.s. I love the word girth.

  49. and I’ll be blogging this shiz later this evening.

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  51. Totally linked to your contest with the appealing term tushy grease. This no doubt qualifies me for infinite gratitude based on the 1-1.5 clicks worth of traffic it will no doubt generate.

  52. Hahaha, did you really just making chafing funny? I will never forget the first time I got in a hot bath after a run that caused chafing. I jumped out screaming bloody murder and tripped over the bath mat. I am totally graceful.

  53. Of all the areas that chafe after a long gig, I find the ‘taint area to be the absolute most painful. Asscrack you don’t find out about until the shower, as you (literally) illustrated, but you know with every single step about the taint.

    I also just like saying taint.

  54. ummmmmmmmmmmm love this post. ass chafing is real. i’ve actually tried to tell non-runners about it (for whatever reason it seemed like a good idea at the time) and, well, let’s just say i never was invited to the cool parties again.

    okay so that may not be funny. but at least it’s true 🙂

  55. A story about my ass:
    Once, I did a pageant. Because I drank a lot in college, and that lead to good choices. For the pageant’s swimware portion you glue your suit to your ass. They make special glue for this, not kidding.
    But because the special glue is expensive people share.
    So I shared ass glue with like 10 other women.

    It’s a good thing I drank so much. Because in hindsight, that’s weird, and probably how you get superherpes.

  56. When I finally got to showering after my first marathon in a rare LA freak torrential downpour, I screamed out in pain. The boyfriend freaked out. I was chafed up worse than ever on my chest, waistline and hips and even on my sides. I was kinda scaly like Natalie Portman’s black swan. The chafing on my chest was the worst. I wore my favorite typically non-offending sports bra. Thanks to the rain, I discovered two angry eye looking scars as I changed in a bathroom near the finish line.

    Of course I took a picture (a week later, no worries it’s SFW). I have matching underboob scars from a Nike sports bra I wore once. I’m using Mederma and hoping the scars go away. Spring is here and I wanna show some cleavage, dammit!

    Oh yeah, I can only imagine what combination of words people will enter in Google to find this post.

  57. seems like everyone has had the shower burn at one time or another in their life. aren’t we all lucky.

    in my first marathon i wore cotton spandex. ‘nuf said. i’ll continue anyway. i stopped to use a portapotty along the way and thought i had started my period. nope, it was just legs chafing.

  58. Butt chafage happens so much in rowing it’s disgusting. Our technical term for it is “IBAs”… Inner Butt Abrasions.

    Running though, I mostly chafe on the upper part of my boobs. You know that rapper/hip-hop artist, Eve? With the little tiger claws on her boobs? Yeah, that’s what mine constantly look like… from chafing.

  59. Yay for Twitter. I don’t have any good ass stories, but I thought the cheek chafe was a myth until I did my first 20 miler.

  60. Butt chaffing + Brazilian Bikini Wax = No Bueno

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  62. Great post! Happy to hear from other comments that lady bit chafing happens to more than just me. Ouch! No butt chafing on this end (hee hee) though.

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  65. I seriously jinxed myself…I’ve never had butt chaffage before in my life. Tonight I ran in new shorts – my tush felt it! Nothing as bad as your photos describe, but enough for me to yelling at myself for being stupid enough for flat out saying “I’ve never…”

    (PS, I’ve linked back to this post from my blog)

  66. I have never had ass-crack chafe. I literally did not know that was possible.

    The best chafe story I’ve got is the rainy half I raced, which led to inner thigh chafe, which led to 2 days of walking like a duck. Legs far apart, waddling. ouch.

  67. I’m a day late, but really, is it ever too late to add a chafing story in the comments? During my one and only marathon, I noticed a Vaseline jar with 10 Popsicle sticks in it and kept thinking “There is no way in hell I’m using that. I have body glide anyway.” What happens 15 minutes before heading to the starting line? You end up sharing Popsicle sticks of Vaseline with complete strangers while smearing it in every crevice. I also peed on the Verrazano Bridge in plain sight of everyone that morning, so I clearly left my shame at home.

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  69. I tweeted it @amileinmyboots

  70. I liked them on FB and we had some wall talk 😉

  71. Funny chaffing story…
    The first time I went on a long run and chaffed, it occurred on my thighs but high up like near my panty line. I chaffed so bad that it bled and when I went to the bathroom post run I thought I had started my flo’ because I saw blood when I wiped. So I set a tampon and pad on the counter and jumped in the shower to clean off. I then realized that my cooter was on fire and it was not my period. Or if it was, it was coming back with a vengeance to kill me and make me miserable. And then I learned about body glide, I refuse to use it in my crack though. Unlike Brie I only have 1 stick. 😉

  72. so funny! great post, great comments! made my day!

  73. After I read the original and follow-up posts about ass-crack chafing (and laughed quite heartily), I thought to myself, “Wow. Sucks to be you guys. That never happens to me (I must be awesome).” Karma took that as a cue and this afternoon; I have crack chafe. 😦

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  75. This is not really a funny story, nor is about chafing, but is it about my bum. I am quite possibly the clumsiest person ever. Today I took a Body Attack class at my gym and literally fell on my ass mid-step for no apparent reason at all. Everyone turned and stared at me. At least in my mind they did. In reality they probably just kept on goin.’ Anyway I was humiliated, so I grabbed my towl and wiped up a pretend wet spot on the floor and then shook my head like, “wow I can’t believe this gym doesn’t wipe their floor.” I am pretty sure nobody bought it.

  76. I have never experienced the butt chaffing issue, not being a runner and all, but I do have a funny butt story. Karl and I were living in our old house where the bathroom was a flight of steps below my bedroom (you guys stayed there). I also like to sleep with socks on sometimes and the steps were carpeted. This helped enable me to slip down them, while sober, at 2 am. I fell so loudly that I woke Karl up. Refusing to believe that I could have actually damaged my ass, I went to work as usual. And then I sneezed. The look of sheer pain on my face frightened my coworkers. I’m pretty sure I yelped. This prompted me to visit the doctor and discover I had actually broken my ass. You know what the treatment is? Nothing! You just need to sit carefully and deal with it until it heals. There were some lovely pills that helped me manage my way into sitting, at least…

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  78. After Saturday’s 12 miler, I confessed to my husband my booty chaffing issues and he was cracking up! It felt good to come clean after a couple years of living with booty chaffing!

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  80. OMG!! Your pictures are hilarious. I’ve actually never had butt chaffing (***knock lots on wood as I’m about to run a half tomorrow***) but I can’t for the life of me wear shorts when running!!! Oh my poor thick muscular thighs just can’t handle the rubbing! In the summer I carry around baby powder in my purse, not because I have children, but because my legs get so hot and sweaty I have to escape to the bathroom every 10 mins and pile on the baby powder! I defnitely need to try some of this Butt Sheild!

  81. and I “liked” 2Toms facebook page!

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  85. “Lubin’ my ass! Be right out!” OMFG.

    I mean, you know you’re hilarious already, but I just had to say it again.

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  89. What happen! The shit got stuck! We have all been there. Waiting, sitting and nothing is happening. The pain of the unknown. When will the shit happen. Wait no more! Give it some motivation. Pickup the phone. Call that number! Help is on the way!

  90. What happen! The shit got stuck in between the crack. We have all been there sitting, waiting and nothing is happening. The pain of the unknown. When will the shit happen. Wait no more! Give it some motivation. Pickup the phone. Call that number. Help is on the way! Low Blow

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